Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Decisions

I am fully convinced that if a decision is easy then your heart was not all that invested in it. Because hard decisions can be heartbreaking. And when you think you have made a decision and something else happens and you have to make another one it gets worse. 
Sometimes one path keeps jumping back onto another path and makes each decision harder to make.
And sometimes the trees close out the light for awhile. But that doesn't mean it's for always. Hard decisions hurt and then they can hurt more. I have to believe that there are rewards at the end of it though. And that they will make all the hard decisions worth it in the end. 


Sunday, August 16, 2015

When the Trees Get Thick


You know that saying about "not seeing the forest for the trees"? 

Well right now I know how that feels. Only it seems like the trees get thicker and thicker the further in I go. I really thought that I had found a bright light that was leading me out. And then the trees got in the way. So I am trying to hold onto the beam of light that is keeping the path lit. But it gets hard. Some days it would be easier to let the trees take over and keep me trapped. Those are the days that the light shows a little brighter. 

So for the days when the trees seem to be getting thicker and they are blocking you from seeing the forest- remember there is always a light that will keep you going. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

It's just hair

Okay so these aren't the best pictures but I'm posting them anyway. 

I decided that my hair needed to be trimmed and some layers put in it earlier this week. So this picture is from a couple of weeks ago. 
Yesterday I went and saw a girl I have known forever and got my hair cut. 
I didn't really notice it yesterday because I was in a hurry. But I thought later in the afternoon that it looked a little uneven. And then when I washed it this morning and did it myself there was no denying that one side was about a half inch longer and it was gappy. 
So I called someone recommended by another friend to see if they could fix it. Y'all, I know it only hair but I almost cried because she had to go a lot shorter to fix it and make it not gappy. So this is what I have now. 
It's hair. And it will grow back. But I am really wishing that I had not decided it needed to be trimmed and layers added. 

Monday, August 10, 2015

Worth Fighting Over

So- I am starting a new job next month. I am excited. And beyond nervous. 
The funny thing is that I am now being fought over in my professional life. I never saw that coming. 
And I am choosing to look at it in a positive light. I am loved and worth fighting for. 

Now if only that would carry over into other parts of my life right now........

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Connecting the Dots

Why is it so hard to connect the dots somethimes? You know what I mean. When something is so obvious and you don't catch on until you make a complete idiot out of yourself first. You become the person that everybody is laughing at or feeling sorry for because they saw it coming and you didn't. 
Life would be easier if there was a way to see the obvious right away instead of letting you wear blinders until it's so obvious you get hurt. 

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Losing "Me"

I am going through some pretty rough times in my life right now. And I am being judged pretty harshly by some people through them. I am also finding out who really cares about me versus who cares about the appearances that have to be kept up. 
There is a quote from "The Vampire Diaries" that hit home this week. I don't remember which episode but Elena Gilbert says, "I used to think the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you love, but I was wrong. The worst feeling in the world is the moment you realize you've lost yourself." 
Right now, I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I lost me a long time ago and I am just now figuring it out. I see "me" at certain times with friends who can bring it back out with just a look or by saying something. But other than those times, I feel like I lost myself in the journey to fit in a mold. The mold that showed the world a non-problematic life. The mold that finally broke about 4 weeks ago and I really don't think I actually like the me that I found in it. 
It really has been a bad month. There has some been some moments that are highlights and I wouldn't trade for anything. But most of it has been full of moments I wish didn't exist. 
I've always said that I wanted this blog to be a reflection of reality and not only the pretty glossy parts of life. So while I'm not sharing details yet, I am being pretty open about how I feel. So right now that seems to be pretty dark and twisty. I can handle that. I don't think there are many people who don't have dark and twisty life moments. I probably over share- which I am good at because I don't necessarily think before I do it. I'm okay with that too. I've noticed that I am able to be more honest writing than I can talking to someone. There is just something about seeing judgment being passed that will make a person be quiet and not share everything they need to. 
Bear with me for awhile and soon the dark and twisty will be over. And details will come with it. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

I'll Never.......


I saw this on Facebook yesterday. I don't know who said it or who created it. All I know is that it was perfect for this moment in time. I'm going through a ton of transitions right now. Changes I never saw coming. And through it I have people who are somehow fitting in right where I need them. Especially since some of this hit out of the blue. 
Looking back over the last few weeks and all that has happened this quote just fits. I have a lot of regrets at the moment, a lot of lessons that I am learning, and a lot of heartbreaks that will probably never fully heal. I am determined to get through this stronger though. I have decisions to make and they are harder than I thought they would be. My end goal keeps changing and I am questioning everything I ever thought I believed on some subjects. 
I feel like a failure everyday lately. It's not just that I feel that way though- it's really what I am. I am disappointing people and I don't know what else to do to make that stop. I told someone today that by letting someone tear me down and taking it to heart- I have no one to blame but myself. And while I know that's true, it's also hard not to do. Especially when a lot of what's being said is what I feel about myself. 
I have always been my own worst critic. And of course my brain is not disappointing in this instance either. I keep finding things that I have done wrong or things I could have done different. And while I can find fault with others too, I am finding more to fault myself with than anyone. 
So I am never going to say that I regret anyone that I have supporting me right now, I certainly regret the circumstances in which they are here for. And I may never regret meeting them but there are times I certainly regret meeting me.