It is funny how since reading “Desperate” every day I find a small reminder that I am not alone in feeling like I am failing. Take today. I have been attempting since 8 AM to get my children to write papers that we have to mail to their teachers first of next week. All I want today is their rough drafts, that's it. It is now 5:15 PM and between the two of them we have maybe 6 sentences written. We have only moved from this table to go to Grandma's so I could take the oldest one to the dentist. And they wrote while they were at her house. One child just looked at me and told me, “maybe if you were a better mom I would do this paper. But if I could I would fire you.” Hmmmmm. Surprisingly this didn't hurt my feelings. He has said worse to me. But he is also where 95% of my feelings of failure come from. He hates writing but the paper has to be handwritten. He hates to read but he had to read to do the research that comes with the paper. He hates to sit still but he has to to get the paper done. And he hates me but he is stuck with me all day since we homeschool. He has discipline problems obviously but absolutely NOTHING works with him. He doesn't care if he gets put in timeout, you can take what ever you want from him and he could care less, and you can spank him and he will laugh at you. He is very hard headed. VERY. But I just wake up and hand it to God everyday and then I see where other people have the same problems and I just feel comfort. Because he only behaves like this for me. No one else. When he was at school he was an angel for his teachers but he wasn't getting enough one on one attention to completely grasp what he needed too. This past 6 months has honestly made a ton of difference academically. But his attitude and behavior have taken a nose dive towards the bad. And he isn't the only one. I am not alone. Other kids do it too. I am priviledged because he is mine. And I love him with all my heart. But some days I really want to drop him off at an orphanage and keep driving.
And then there are the days where everything just goes wrong. Nobody can find clean clothes even though you just filled their drawers the day before. No one can find their shoes when you are already running late. Or you come home from the grocery store where your potty training 2 year old BEGS you to let him pee off the front porch and you say “sure” only to have him poop in the middle of the walkway instead. Or when it rains for 3 days straight and your yard is flooded spilling over into the pump causing you to not be able to drink the water so you have to only have bottled water only to forget and at 5 AM make a pot of coffee that you have to throw out after a night of little sleep worrying about how badly you are failing at this God given task. I could go on and on. But I know that I am not alone. All I have to do is log on to Facebook or email a friend and I have someone else who completely understands. We have community for this reason. God made us to need it. Otherwise we would all give up.
And please realize that I do not accept my child's bad behavior. But I also have bigger fish to fry. I have 4 boys. I have learned to pick my battles. And we are trying a new way to get through all of this. We are trying to talk it out. This isn't going smoothly but we are trying. And overall if he can treat other adults with as much respect as he does and treat me like he does, that is okay. At least he behaves in public (most of the time). And if my child at least asks to go to the bathroom and then poops on the porch I can clean that up. At least he is trying not to use his diaper. God made me to be the mom that these kids need. Whether they respect that or not is up to them. But one day they will look back and know how much I loved them. And no matter what my child tells me he loves me. Because he always comes and hugs me and tells me so no matter what he just said to me.
And above all- I am not alone because I have an amazing father in God and an amazing savior in Jesus. And as long as I have them I can do anything.
Kayse and Rebecca.