Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Loving Through The Hardtimes

I love my husband. But it isn't always easy. We have been on the verge of throwing in the towel a couple of times. Over BIG things not little. But making the decision to stick with it has made us a stronger unit. We love a lot deeper than we used to. I find it funny (odd not haha) how many bloggers are blogging because of affairs and their decisions that were made after they found out. Our story is not that and I didn't start blogging because of our issues. But sometimes I think that we blog as therapy and don't stop and think about the other person in the marriage when we write. Today I am thinking about both of us when I write this. So you won't find details of a sordid affair- there isn't one, you won't find details of anything really just a lot of generalizations- because I respect my husbands privacy of some events. So disclaimer over, here goes.

My husband didn't have a happy childhood and he will willingly admit that to anyone. There was no physical abuse of any kind but over the years I have come to realize the emotional abuse that was there and so has he. I don't think any of it was intentional just one generation following in the previous ones footsteps. And he quickly started doing the same things. But unlike his dad- he found solace in alcohol. You can ignore a lot of things when you drink. But you can also add to the things you are trying to ignore. I didn't say much. He wasn't abusive physically and emotionally it wasn't that bad for a while. Well that and I ignored a lot. But it builds up. There is only so much one person can take. And after a lie told by someone who was supposedly a good friend, I left. It had just become too much. Because after a motorcycle accident involving beer and a slip and slide after an argument with his dad resulted in needing to go back to work earlier than expected after having my fourth child plus all the hormonal upheaval that went with it- it was just to much.

Then the drinking stopped. But the arguing didn't. I came back home and we seemed like we were stronger for it. And in some ways we were. But two years and four months later it became evident that we weren't as strong as we thought. The drinking was back and the anger was so much worse. And then the full story of the betrayal of the friend came out. And the hurt was back all over again. And the old issues resurfaced and life got hard again. But we muddled through.

I have loved him through a lot. And I know there will be a lot more to come. He has loved me through a lot- it is not all one sided.  And we still have a long way to go.

The thing about loving through the hardtimes is that it is a choice. A choice that you make everyday. You can't have happily ever after without work. You made vows to each other and to God to love, honor, and cherish until death do you part. You have to honor that. Today it is easier to just throw it away and start over because society tells you it is okay. Get married as many times as you want, the more the better. And I'm not saying stay in an abusive relationship- by no means am I saying that. Nor am I saying stay married to someone who is having affair after affair. But I am saying that getting a divorce because you had a fight or because you just are tired of the same person everyday is not an option. Working through it and dealing with it is hard. But it is the right choice. There are always going to be the people who say that it's easier to leave but what about kids in the relationship. Is it easier on them? Or what happens if you realize what a mistake it was to walk away and that person you love so dearly is gone?

Love is a choice no matter what. Choosing to love no matter what will make you stronger in the end. There are exceptions. And please if you are being abused get out and get help. But leaving because you don't like the way they make coffee or you don't like their job is not an exception. Choose to love them anyway.

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