Occasionally one of these prompts from Lisa Jo Baker just jumps out at me and I will join in on Five Minute Friday. FMF is where we bloggers get a prompt, set a timer, and write for 5 mins. There is no editing or second guessing we just write. And then we link back to Lisa Jo Baker's blog and read what everyone has written. SO are you ready.
I remember my mom always telling me that you are the only one who can make yourself "bored", that you create boredom. But as an only child boredom often came out of loneliness. So I always vowed that God willing I would have more than one child. I know that I was not an only child out of choice but it was a lonely childhood built out of living in a city far from family, being raised by a single mom, and all the other kids on the block being younger than I was. So, I didn't have just one child- I had four. Four boys to be exact. And they are begging me for loneliness. (It only lasts for 5 mins before they are begging for someone to come back and play with them.) We live in a house where you are NEVER alone. NEVER- as in not even in the bathroom alone. So we all ask for loneliness for awhile. And there are days I crave the loneliness from my childhood- the ability to sit on the couch and read for hours at a time because mom had to work late again, the uninterrupted movies because you didn't have to take anyone to the bathroom, the quiet at bedtime. I crave to be lonely. That is until I am lonely. Then I hate it. I want someone else around. I hate being lonely. It is a complete irony to want something so badly sometimes and when you get it to be so unsatisfied with it. And I remind myself of that on those days where the cravings get so bad and I remind my boys how much they dislike it. I remind them that some kids only have lonely and they are lucky. I remind myself of the same when I want to have lonely and all I have are fighting kids. I am lucky to not be lonely and sometimes a little crazed from it too.
***Addendum at 3:00 PM August 9, 2013-
I wrote this FMF post about craving lonely only hours ago. Now my heart if full of guilt over it. A dear friend left for work this morning with a smiling beautiful, healthy baby boy. This afternoon they took her out of her classroom to tell her her son was dead. And my heart is broken. And I feel so guilty for wishing for the time to feel lonely. I would trade everytime I have felt that way for this sweet baby back.
He was such a miracle. A baby after years of trying. And now he is gone. I know that we are not supposed to question God but why? Why did this baby have to go? Why does his mother have to have empty arms right now? Why does she have to be lonely aching for her child? Why?
I don't know how to give her comfort and I don't know how not to feel slightly guilty for thanking God over and over since getting that phone call for my own children and praying for the one who is at school's safe return. So I no longer crave the time to feel lonely. Now I crave a way to bring back that sweet baby and to comfort my friend. I crave healing and peace instead.
Won't you join us! Head over to Lisa Jo's place and link up.