Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Not What I Planned

This is not the post I planned for today. I am supposed to be writing a book review for an amazing new book that came out last week. I am supposed to be writing a post about marriage. I am supposed to be telling you while I am happy to be weird. Instead, I am sitting here with nothing. So instead I am going to talk about something that I have been purposely avoiding.

We are looking for a new church. We haven't been making this a secret but we also haven't been very vocal with it. We just both feel like God has been telling us to go. So we went looking. And I think that we have found it. There are some draw backs for me. But overall we think this is it. Or rather John does. I am still processing. It means leaving a family. One that admittedly does not do all that great with keeping up relationships once someone leaves. And we are also going to end up hurting some feelings because John will tell them why we are leaving if asked. Me, not so much. Because our hearts are still in this church. And there are a couple of things that would bring us back and I don't want to move into a new church family, make relationships, start things, and then leave. I don't feel right about that. But the bigger thing is the underlying fear of the unknown. What if we are wrong and this is not the right church? What if we lose the relationships we have spent years creating at our church? What if?

See big things going on in my heart right now. But there is also the overwhelming sense of fatigue. Fatigue of always hearing God say No. No to the things that we crave, we need, and we desperately dream of. It's not just every once in a while. It's everyday. Everyday! We see where we need something and we just can't BUT that person out there who could care less that God is there looking after them- they keep getting a yes. Everyday! I am honestly just tired.

And maybe part of that is the "fun" stomach virus that over a 2 week period went through every person in our house and still has some lingering effects. I haven't been able to clean my house, do laundry like I should, and I don't have the energy to do it.

So all these things, a kid looking to fail the second grade (makes me feel like a complete failure- even though this is stuff he was getting when homeschooled), a busy ball schedule, and just general defeat is making me feel like not writing. It's making me want to throw in the towel. It's making me question everything. So maybe (I sincerely hope) I can introduce this amazing new book to you this week and tell you why I am happy to be weird next week. And that marriage post isn't going anywhere. It can get put up next week too. But for right now, this is what I have.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you sweet lady! Focus on those things that you can change and stay in His Word. I have been there - just tired and fed up.