Endings I never saw coming. Literally it is a speeding train running at me while I am trapped on the tracks. And I don't know where to go from here.
There is a blame game going on that just astounds me with the craziness of it. So I sit back and take it. And take it and take it some more. And nobody else notices. From the outside looking in nothing has changed. Until a far removed outsider comes. And to him it was obvious.
There are the nightmares that are starting back and the overwhelming sense of dispair that accompanies them. Sleep is becoming a foreign concept that I barely remember. With sleep comes the memories and the internal blame game.
Running on fumes and coming up empty is the way of life right now. I long to be filled again and know that I am not actually to blame for the speeding train. I crave assurance when there is none. I need the security that has disappeared.
So I get up and I walk/run to escape it all. I push myself past my walls of comfort because those don't help anymore. I get out of my comfort zone seeking something that I can't name. And I still come up empty.