Sunday, July 19, 2015

Coming Up Empty

We just spent the last week on vacation. 4 days at the beach, 1 day at the lake, and going on 3 days at my in-laws annual Back to School Bash weekend. I am running on fumes over here. Not energy wise- I am actually walking 3 miles everyday without complaining or making excuses. I am running on fumes emotionally. This week has been so rough. Tiny cracks are becoming craters or falling chunks of wall. Barely noticeable flaws are being thrown into a light making them huge. And endings are happening without mercy and grace. 
Endings I never saw coming. Literally it is a speeding train running at me while I am trapped on the tracks. And I don't know where to go from here. 
There is a blame game going on that just astounds me with the craziness of it. So I sit back and take it. And take it and take it some more. And nobody else notices.  From the outside looking in nothing has changed. Until a far removed outsider comes. And to him it was obvious. 
There are the nightmares that are starting back and the overwhelming sense of dispair that accompanies them. Sleep is becoming a foreign concept that I barely remember. With sleep comes the memories and the internal blame game. 
Running on fumes and coming up empty is the way of life right now. I long to be filled again and know that I am not actually to blame for the speeding train. I crave assurance when there is none. I need the security that has disappeared. 
So I get up and I walk/run to escape it all. I push myself past my walls of comfort because those don't help anymore. I get out of my comfort zone seeking something that I can't name. And I still come up empty. 

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