Monday, August 31, 2015

When Quiet is the Norm

I talk a lot on here about how hard losing a baby is. And I am about to go deeper into that than I have before. So be forewarned that you might want to stop reading now.

Well today (Sunday), I had a really long conversation with John about how hard it still is.

And in the whole conversation where there were a lot of confessions made about how we both handled it and how much it still hurts- the thing that kept coming up was how alone I feel to this day in that loss.

Society expects us to stay quiet about it. There has been a huge movement in the last couple of years to offer support and to encourage people to open up but for the most part nobody wants to hear about it. Because to some people, that sweet baby I lost was never a baby. She was never a person who deserves any recognition of having existed.

But she was real. And she was mine. And part of me died the day I lost her.

No one will ever understand that except another mom who has experienced it too.

The blame game is a real thing that doesn't end even after 11 years. Not blame for other people but blame of myself and of God. Which is a struggle that I don't know if I will ever get past.

Everyone tells you to turn to God and lean on him and to trust him. But how to you fully trust someone who took away something so precious and so loved.

I've been told to move on by people who have no clue what it feels like. I have been called selfish and stupid for lashing out and blaming John at the time. All by someone who will hopefully never know that loss and that pain. Because they don't understand.

I know that there is always a dad out there that suffers the loss too. And I know that they hurt and they probably blame themselves. Because John did and still does. I don't know if it is the same. I can't answer that question.

I know that for me, my husband was playing golf when it happened and I sat in a cold ER room by myself for hours. I was alone in an ultrasound room with a stranger praying for a heartbeat. And while there was one- the other was silent. I did all of that alone. I laid in a bed by myself later that night, scared to move. I was alone. Because the one "person" who is never supposed to leave your side had abandoned me. I literally felt abandoned by God in the moment.

I am pretty open about that baby with other moms who have lost. But I never go deeper. I don't talk about how I felt abandoned and alone. I have actually never told John until today. I am like so many others who will sit there and keep it all in and grieve alone.

But by doing it alone, I have never really acknowledged all the feelings and fears that go with it. And now it is coming back to haunt me in ways I never thought possible.

I don't want sympathy and I certainly don't want anyone's comments that are going to tell me that I need to get over it or that I need to work on my relationship with God. I have been hearing that for 11 years. What I want from actually putting all this out there is for everyone to realize that a mom who loses a baby never gets over it. And to them that baby was as real as if she had held them in her arms. That loss goes deeper into her soul than you can imagine. So stop telling them to be quiet just because you don't want to listen to them. I don't think that you have to completely understand what they are going through to listen to them. Let them vent and let them grieve openly if they want to. Just stop asking all these moms to be quiet and keep it all to themselves.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

August Favorites

I actually intended to write this post to go live this past Friday. Life had other plans. So instead of Friday Favorites you get August Favorites with the Friday Favorites graphic.
Graphic Credit: www,

I have not read a lot this month (even though I was supposed to.) But there are 2 books that I finished and love and 1 that I am working on.

1.   I love Sarah Mae. And this book was what I needed as I read it. I am trying to concentrate on finding adventure in the everyday and being content where I am. The lessons from the book are numerous and worth every second spent reading it.

2.  I hate change. The irony in that is that my life is full of change right now. Good and bad. But reading this book has helped a lot. I will have a full review later next week.

3. I am reading this one right now. It is a slow read. But it is a good book so far.

Well- the boys and I went to see "Ant Man" in theaters but we really have not watched anything else. Oh- I went and saw "Vacation" with my mom. Not a kid movie at all. But Thor was in it so there was that.

I have really just worn scrubs and yoga pants this past month. BUT I bought a new pair of Danskin Yoga pants from Walmart that I am in love with. I really should go buy another pair. They are the best.

Ed Sheeran's "X- The Deluxe Edition" is a favorite for my whole family right now. I also have had "Fight Song" on repeat lately.

I start a new job tomorrow. I am going back into therapy and driving an hour each way for the job. I am TERRIFIED! I am so scared that I can't do it anymore or that they are not going to think I am a good fit. It is definitely more money coming in but there is not flexibility which is something I am used to. So prayers would be appreciated.

Also- because of above mentioned new job, I also have a new vehicle. My poor Tahoe just doesn't get good gas mileage and it is now a must. So I went last weekend and bought a Dodge Caravan. I LOVE IT! I am already spoiled. Hand free phone, plays the music from my phone, and has a DVD player for the kids. They will beg to go somewhere just to watch the TV now.

I know that all my posts lately have been kind of gloomy. And yes, I am going through a very rough time in my personal life right now. But I am still not ready to share that with anyone or talk about it in a deeper context on here yet. Let's just say that when I come out of the other side of this, I will be a better person and a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015


I am fully convinced that if a decision is easy then your heart was not all that invested in it. Because hard decisions can be heartbreaking. And when you think you have made a decision and something else happens and you have to make another one it gets worse. 
Sometimes one path keeps jumping back onto another path and makes each decision harder to make.
And sometimes the trees close out the light for awhile. But that doesn't mean it's for always. Hard decisions hurt and then they can hurt more. I have to believe that there are rewards at the end of it though. And that they will make all the hard decisions worth it in the end. 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

When the Trees Get Thick

You know that saying about "not seeing the forest for the trees"? 

Well right now I know how that feels. Only it seems like the trees get thicker and thicker the further in I go. I really thought that I had found a bright light that was leading me out. And then the trees got in the way. So I am trying to hold onto the beam of light that is keeping the path lit. But it gets hard. Some days it would be easier to let the trees take over and keep me trapped. Those are the days that the light shows a little brighter. 

So for the days when the trees seem to be getting thicker and they are blocking you from seeing the forest- remember there is always a light that will keep you going. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

It's just hair

Okay so these aren't the best pictures but I'm posting them anyway. 

I decided that my hair needed to be trimmed and some layers put in it earlier this week. So this picture is from a couple of weeks ago. 
Yesterday I went and saw a girl I have known forever and got my hair cut. 
I didn't really notice it yesterday because I was in a hurry. But I thought later in the afternoon that it looked a little uneven. And then when I washed it this morning and did it myself there was no denying that one side was about a half inch longer and it was gappy. 
So I called someone recommended by another friend to see if they could fix it. Y'all, I know it only hair but I almost cried because she had to go a lot shorter to fix it and make it not gappy. So this is what I have now. 
It's hair. And it will grow back. But I am really wishing that I had not decided it needed to be trimmed and layers added. 

Monday, August 10, 2015

Worth Fighting Over

So- I am starting a new job next month. I am excited. And beyond nervous. 
The funny thing is that I am now being fought over in my professional life. I never saw that coming. 
And I am choosing to look at it in a positive light. I am loved and worth fighting for. 

Now if only that would carry over into other parts of my life right now........

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Connecting the Dots

Why is it so hard to connect the dots somethimes? You know what I mean. When something is so obvious and you don't catch on until you make a complete idiot out of yourself first. You become the person that everybody is laughing at or feeling sorry for because they saw it coming and you didn't. 
Life would be easier if there was a way to see the obvious right away instead of letting you wear blinders until it's so obvious you get hurt. 

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Losing "Me"

I am going through some pretty rough times in my life right now. And I am being judged pretty harshly by some people through them. I am also finding out who really cares about me versus who cares about the appearances that have to be kept up. 
There is a quote from "The Vampire Diaries" that hit home this week. I don't remember which episode but Elena Gilbert says, "I used to think the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you love, but I was wrong. The worst feeling in the world is the moment you realize you've lost yourself." 
Right now, I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I lost me a long time ago and I am just now figuring it out. I see "me" at certain times with friends who can bring it back out with just a look or by saying something. But other than those times, I feel like I lost myself in the journey to fit in a mold. The mold that showed the world a non-problematic life. The mold that finally broke about 4 weeks ago and I really don't think I actually like the me that I found in it. 
It really has been a bad month. There has some been some moments that are highlights and I wouldn't trade for anything. But most of it has been full of moments I wish didn't exist. 
I've always said that I wanted this blog to be a reflection of reality and not only the pretty glossy parts of life. So while I'm not sharing details yet, I am being pretty open about how I feel. So right now that seems to be pretty dark and twisty. I can handle that. I don't think there are many people who don't have dark and twisty life moments. I probably over share- which I am good at because I don't necessarily think before I do it. I'm okay with that too. I've noticed that I am able to be more honest writing than I can talking to someone. There is just something about seeing judgment being passed that will make a person be quiet and not share everything they need to. 
Bear with me for awhile and soon the dark and twisty will be over. And details will come with it. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

I'll Never.......

I saw this on Facebook yesterday. I don't know who said it or who created it. All I know is that it was perfect for this moment in time. I'm going through a ton of transitions right now. Changes I never saw coming. And through it I have people who are somehow fitting in right where I need them. Especially since some of this hit out of the blue. 
Looking back over the last few weeks and all that has happened this quote just fits. I have a lot of regrets at the moment, a lot of lessons that I am learning, and a lot of heartbreaks that will probably never fully heal. I am determined to get through this stronger though. I have decisions to make and they are harder than I thought they would be. My end goal keeps changing and I am questioning everything I ever thought I believed on some subjects. 
I feel like a failure everyday lately. It's not just that I feel that way though- it's really what I am. I am disappointing people and I don't know what else to do to make that stop. I told someone today that by letting someone tear me down and taking it to heart- I have no one to blame but myself. And while I know that's true, it's also hard not to do. Especially when a lot of what's being said is what I feel about myself. 
I have always been my own worst critic. And of course my brain is not disappointing in this instance either. I keep finding things that I have done wrong or things I could have done different. And while I can find fault with others too, I am finding more to fault myself with than anyone. 
So I am never going to say that I regret anyone that I have supporting me right now, I certainly regret the circumstances in which they are here for. And I may never regret meeting them but there are times I certainly regret meeting me.