Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Losing "Me"

I am going through some pretty rough times in my life right now. And I am being judged pretty harshly by some people through them. I am also finding out who really cares about me versus who cares about the appearances that have to be kept up. 
There is a quote from "The Vampire Diaries" that hit home this week. I don't remember which episode but Elena Gilbert says, "I used to think the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you love, but I was wrong. The worst feeling in the world is the moment you realize you've lost yourself." 
Right now, I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I lost me a long time ago and I am just now figuring it out. I see "me" at certain times with friends who can bring it back out with just a look or by saying something. But other than those times, I feel like I lost myself in the journey to fit in a mold. The mold that showed the world a non-problematic life. The mold that finally broke about 4 weeks ago and I really don't think I actually like the me that I found in it. 
It really has been a bad month. There has some been some moments that are highlights and I wouldn't trade for anything. But most of it has been full of moments I wish didn't exist. 
I've always said that I wanted this blog to be a reflection of reality and not only the pretty glossy parts of life. So while I'm not sharing details yet, I am being pretty open about how I feel. So right now that seems to be pretty dark and twisty. I can handle that. I don't think there are many people who don't have dark and twisty life moments. I probably over share- which I am good at because I don't necessarily think before I do it. I'm okay with that too. I've noticed that I am able to be more honest writing than I can talking to someone. There is just something about seeing judgment being passed that will make a person be quiet and not share everything they need to. 
Bear with me for awhile and soon the dark and twisty will be over. And details will come with it. 

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